Explosives and Expletives: Understanding Confidence

Iwas never good at feigning confidence. My body had a cruel way of reminding me—sweaty hands (palmar hyperhidrosis). Sometimes, the symptoms would be so intense the sweat would drip. For most of my life, I had learned how to deal with it. There was just one problem this time—I had to arm explosives.

To start, gloves could not be worn since tactile feedback and dexterity were necessary. If an explosive went off, I would pop like a delicious grape[1]. To arm the explosive gun, wires must be connected to the “primary” and “secondary” detonators[2], following an incredibly complex process—one requiring absolute perfection. Any indication of persistent incompetence led to termination (of employment).

All engineers practiced in pairs. My partner was Yahya—an Omani[3] who had befriended me ever since I helped him refine his English. I ended up teaching him a significant number of expletives (a.k.a. curse words).

Dummy Explosives for Dummies

Things were looking bleak during the practice sessions because I theoretically died two times. Good thing the explosives were not real—yet.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I said, fumbling with the wires.

Yahya gestured by rubbing his index finger, middle finger, and thumb together—the universal sign for money, moolah, dough, and fat stacks, among others.

I nodded. Fair point. There was no denying it. I wanted the fat stacks.

After fumbling around for several more attempts, I completed the entire process in ten minutes—twice the recommended time. As I walked off the training pad in disappointment, the next wave of engineers from another class assumed their positions. Their demeanor contrasted greatly with mine—displaying full composure and focus.

And yet, there was something very peculiar about it. The composure and focus produced no real results.

“What the feck is going on? They suck more than you!” Yahya said, his accent adding levity.

“It’s what we Americans call fake it till you make it.”

“Isn’t that the same as being full of shet?”

“Temporarily, yes. But people hope they get better before anyone finds out.”

Making Sense of It All

Fortunately, there was one very unique aspect about arming explosives (besides the having your body blown to bits and dying a horrible death part)—you either could, or you couldn’t. Feigning confidence produced no results if no actual skills were present as reinforcement. There were no subjective factors or deception at play. Explosives were obviously inanimate objects that only responded to skill.  It was the purest confidence test I had ever seen—a matter of life and death you could say.

And so, I discovered a concept integral to my success: confidence was more like a skill than a mentality. Increasing confidence via improving one’s skills made more sense than simply trying to trick your mind.  And, like all skills, it can be constantly improved upon via hard work. That is why the advice “be more confident” was so worthless. What did that even entail? Why was it so hard? Because pretending to be confident without actual skills was tantamount to wanting something in exchange for nothing. Ideally, confidence grew in tandem with skills. I had to undo the habit of trying to fake it till I make it. Otherwise, it could cost me my life.

“In other words, focus more on actually being good at something and less on the feeling of confidence itself.”

In specific moments, it always seems like others are naturally more confident. But it is not so simple. Based on unique circumstances and varying lives, some people just have more opportunities to work on their skills. Their confidence improved in conjunction with their skills. Therefore, it’s no coincidence that skilled individuals appear “naturally” more confident—even though there might have been nothing inherently natural about it.

Would you think that you are incompetent simply because you could not speak Spanish as well as a Spaniard? Would it make sense for you to feel inadequate and unconfident—forgetting the fact that you did not spend nearly as much time practicing the language? Obviously not. The same concept applies to many other skill-intensive areas of life. And the same concept applies to confidence. We must evaluate the skill development timeline as a whole instead of just that one moment.

By accepting this idea that confidence is more like a skill than a mentality, we’re far more likely to improve and less likely to sulk and/or give up because we did not possess it “naturally”. Simply put, just work on what you want to work on and you’ll become more confident in that specific area. Over time, the overall confidence from all your skills will add to your overall confidence in yourself and your abilities. In other words, focus on actually being good at something, but don’t focus primarily on the actual feeling of confidence itself.

“Success came from being good at something. Failure came from being good at feeling good.”

Even in the rare case where you have the skills but lack the confidence, understand that your expectations of yourself might be too damn high, or you’re still unfairly comparing yourself to others who’ve either had more time to practice or a significant head start in life. Again, you must evaluate the situation as a whole. And it very well could be the fact that you’re just not delusional because you can form an astute observation of your abilities. Feeling good about yourself before you’re actually good at something is absurd and wildly delusional.

It’s tempting to fake it. I know. I often gave into it as well. Many are completely faking it. You could get what you want now instead of later. I’ll get good by then, you’ll say to yourself. No one will find out by then right?

But attempting to build confidence by feigning it is setting up a terrible foundation for the long term—sort of like building a structure on no real foundation. The fall from grace is going to be so much worse in the long run.

There, on the training pad, when lives were on the line, I knew that not a single person had experience with explosives. It did not matter if anyone seemed confident. It was all a show—one hundred percent. Everyone was a beginning, and the final results were obvious. Success came from being good at something. Failure came from being good at feeling good.

Getting Started

Like many other things in life, the earliest stages are the most difficult. Habits must be formed, and rudimentary abilities must be learned. The trick is to facilitate the early stages—by finding your coping mechanism as you get the hang of things.

My coping mechanism was simple—I just cursed like hell. Cursing eased my mind during the initial stressful stage, allowing me to temporarily replace my anxiety with annoyance as I learned the basics.

And so, it went. Painstaking day after painstaking day. Curse word after curse word. Gradually, via practice, my skill and confidence increased, and my hands’ sweating almost completely vanished—an indication that my confidence was genuine.

By the end, Yahya had effectively cursed everyone out with the new arsenal of curse words he had learned, and I had no regrets.

Explosive Personality

Then came the day of the 12-hour-long practical. It consisted of handling radiation and explosives. Although I handled the radiation aspect with ease, when it was time to arm the explosives in the sweltering Abu Dhabi climate, I lacked the expendable energy to restrain myself from committing verbal murder.

As I started placing warning signs around the premises, I held nothing back.

“Everybody, turn off all cell phones and clear the area…Now! Fuck off!”

And off they fucked. I checked the voltage of the surroundings and stripped an excessive length of wire.

“You shouldn’t strip so much wire, you assmonkey,” Yahya warned. “The rules say it should be just enough to connect.”

I stripped another excessive length of wire. “I don’t care about the rules.”

“In my culture, rules must be strictly followed,” Yahya continued.

“In my culture, I don’t give a shit,” I replied.

“Ok then. Don’t listen to me. Feck kyuu.”

I cut off the excess length and pointed at the wires. “It’s much easier and faster to strip extra and then cut to the desired length. See now?…You flaming bag of shit.”

“Why are you being so dohshi?” Yahya asked.

I verified the voltage and resistance of the wires. “You can’t just use that word randomly. And it’s pronounced ‘dooshee.’ I told you like five times.”

“Why not, you shitty titty?” Yahya asked, pushing the container of explosives near my feet.

I retrieved the primary detonator and sealed it in the arming tube. “Because, you piss-covered shit stain, being a douche depends on certain specific actions—like wearing shades indoors, acting pretentious, or trying hard to be cool.” I quickly prepared the primary detonator and carefully tucked it in the gun.

Yahya handed me the secondary detonator. “Fine. Lick my ass.”

I rechecked the voltage of the surrounding area. “That’s not the right insult either, Yahya. And what if someone is into that kind of thing?” I connected the primary and secondary detonators.

Yahya cocked his eyebrow. “If you can kiss, why can’t you lick?”

“You can! But kissing ass is usually an insult while licking it is usually a choice…Oh…shitfuck! I forgot to print out a weather report (we were supposed to check for storms because it is forbidden to arm explosives in lightning storms)…Yahya, run to the shop and print me a weather report.”

“Say please, you bitchass doucheface,” Yahya said.

“Okay. Please…you bitchass doucheface,” I replied.

Yahya flipped me off and sped away. He returned shortly with weather report in hand. “Here you go—you butt crack with herpes…Did I use that right?”

I waved the weather report and raised my thumb, signaling the operators in the distance that it was okay to lower the gun underground. “Sure. But try to do it to people who really piss you off…like your mother.”

With the hard part over, I assumed my position in the command unit and completed the project.

In the end, most engineers received an envelope with details on their mistakes and how they could improve—or they were fired for committing life-threatening mistakes. I just received a congratulatory letter.

Despite this, my fondest moment was when the lead instructor called me in to discuss my overall progress.

“I wish I was as confident as you when I started. What’s your secret?” he said.

“There is no secret. I just practiced and worked hard—and I also cursed a whole fucking lot.” I replied.

[1] Each explosive could emit 15,000 pounds per square inch. There were 30 explosives arranged helically along a “gun.”
[2] The primary detonator sends a signal that triggers the secondary detonator. The secondary detonator then proceeds to ignite the explosives. Primary detonators are the most sensitive and can easily be set off.
[3] A person from the country Oman

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23 Comments
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  8. Bill
    Bill says:

    This article has truly resonated with me. Definitely makes me rethink my perspective quite a bit to be honest. I’m amazed you could make light of such a dangerous situation. I subscribed!

    Reply
  10. Howie
    Howie says:

    Yooo, these disses are fire dawg LOL. Assmonkey, bitchass doucheface, flaming bag of shit. Gonna steal all this. The flaming bag of shit one is pretty deep tho. Basically calling those who think they are “hot shit” actual shit.

    Reply
  11. Yorkie Lover
    Yorkie Lover says:

    The banter between you and your friend are amazing! I will try that coping mechanism where you curse a lot. Sounds like a lot of fun and stress relief.

    Reply
  13. Chris R.
    Chris R. says:

    This really struck a chord with me. I have a hard time with my confidence, but this perspective is so refreshing you have no idea how much it means to me. For so long I had low confidence and never truly realized that a lot of people had to work hard on theirs too. For some twisted reason, my mind just thought of it as you either have it or you don’t.

    Thinking of confidence as a skill really helped me see things clearly. My favorite part about this was learning that I should focus on actually being good at things and happy with myself instead of some false show of confidence. Like you said, I should focus on actually being good at something Im proud of instead of being good at feeling good, because that sets up a stronger foundation.Thanks so much for this.

    Reply
  14. Darnell
    Darnell says:

    This post could not be written much better. I agree that confidence is a skill that should be developed. Too many people out there forget that and beat themselves up over it. What I also hate is that a lot of people are fakers out there. They just pretend to be confident, building up this house of cards of phoniness that will eventually come crumbling down. Fake it till you make it only gets so far. People always tell the stories about those who make it while faking it and never mention that there are far more who crash and burn doing the same.

    Reply
  16. Juliet M
    Juliet M says:

    Your life just sounds like one big crazy dangerous adventurer doesn’t it? Must be fun. I’m kinda jealous and not jealous at the same time (mostly because I don’t wanna die lol).

    Reply
  17. Tyler
    Tyler says:

    This story was written very well and the message is a great one, I really do see where you are coming from. I don’t think I ever thought of it like that before. It alawys seemed like something you either have or don’t, but the way you describe it is so clear and easy to understand. I really should start to think of confidence as more like a skill than someone that is innate. Never did I think that others simply worked so much harder at it than I did. This was a refreshing thought, so thank you for the amazing write up.

    Reply
  18. Sharyl P
    Sharyl P says:

    Doesn’t sound very believable to be honest. You were this calm under pressure? I would have shit myself. Either that or it was the constant cussing. I gotta try it out myself. Sounds hilarious. I’d be fired though if my boss heard me cussing that much.

    Reply
  19. Sheridan Eaton
    Sheridan Eaton says:

    Glad I found this gem. I was pretty depressed with my situation. I feel so much better realizing that it’s more of a skill. Damn it! All these years thinking it was either a have or have not thing. You’re so right! It’s a skill that we have to work on. It takes patience and hard work (and hopefully a lot of cursing!).

    Reply
  20. Noella
    Noella says:

    Is no one going to mention the fact that this man worked with radiation BEFORE he started working on explosives? This is INSANE. Just casually threw the radiation part in. I read that one too and was like OH MY GOD HOW IS THIS DUDE EVEN ALIVE. Your life is crazy!

    Reply
  21. Karen B
    Karen B says:

    You know, I was sceptical that you were so calm doing this. But seeing half of your other photos (especially the one where you’re literally hanging off buildings and tall stuff) I’d be surprised that you were even nervous here!

    Reply

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